This page offers visitors some comic relief. Over the years we have all received dozens of joke mails, funny news items etc. Many of these are a waste of time but occasionally something arrives that really does hit one's funny bone. I've gone back in my files and posted a few of the real gems here for your amusement.
 

If you've got something that you feel rates inclusion on this page, feel free to send it to us at

activemind@musician.org

and we will post it. Meanwhile, enjoy!

Musical Humour

Quotes from Famous Musicians

School Humour

Sixth Grade History Test
First grade versions of Proverbs
Fourth Grade versions of Famous Sayings
Science Test Answers from Unspecified Grade
Grad School is Hell

Marriage & the Church

How to Decide Whom To Marry
While on the Subject of Marriage, Some Church Bloopers

Computer Humour

Dialogue between a former WordPerfect employee and Customer
Is Your Computer Male or Female?
If It's Good for Microsoft, It's Good for GM

Headlines & Bumper Stickers

And the Year's Best headlines
miscellaneous headlines
Funny Bumper Stickers

Word Play

all time ***Tendjewberrymud*** favorite
New Word Definitions
Pun Alert
Learning Chinese

I Am Canadian
Woody Allen's Favorite Joke
possibly the worst pun you have ever heard

"He'd be better off shoveling snow." --Richard Strauss on Arnold Schoenberg

When told that a soloist would need six fingers to perform his concerto, Arnold Schoenberg replied, "I can wait."

"I would like to hear Elliot Carter's Fourth String Quartet, if only to discover what a cranky prostate does to one's polyphony." --James Sellars

"Exit in case of Brahms." --Philip Hale's proposed inscription over the doors of Boston Symphony Hall

"Why is it that whenever I hear a piece of music I don't like, it's always by Villa-Lobos?" --Igor Stravinsky

"His music used to be original. Now it's aboriginal." --Sir Ernest Newman on Igor Stravinsky

"If he'd been making shell-cases during the war it might have been better for music."--Maurice Ravel on Camille Saint-Saens

"He has an enormously wide repertory. He can conduct anything, provided it's by Beethoven, Brahms or Wagner. He tried Debussy's La Mer once.  It came out as Das Merde."--Anonymous Orchestra Member on George Szell

Someone commented to Rudolph Bing, manager of the Metropolitan Opera, that "George Szell is his own worst enemy." "Not while I'm alive, he isn't!" said Bing.

"After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you enter."--Arturo Toscanini to the NBC Orchestra

"We cannot expect you to be with us all the time, but perhaps you could be good enough to keep in touch now and again." --Sir Thomas Beecham to a musician during a rehearsal

"Jack Benny played Mendelssohn last night. Mendelssohn lost."-- Anonymous

The great German conductor Hans von Bulow detested two members of an orchestra, who were named Schultz and Schmidt. Upon being told the Schmidt had died, von Bulow immediately asked, "Und Schultz?"

"Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed."--Ralph Novak on Yoko Ono

"Parsifal - the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock and after it has been going three hours, you look at your watch and it says 6:20." --David Randolph

"One can't judge Wagner's opera Lohengrin after a first hearing, and I certainly don't intend hearing it a second time."--Gioacchino Rossini

"I liked the opera very much. Everything but the music." –Benjamin Britten on Stravinsky's The Rake’s Progress

"Her singing reminds me of a cart coming downhill with the brake on."--Sir Thomas Beecham on an unidentified soprano in Die Walkyre.

Son: "When I grow up, I want to be a musician. Father: "No, you can't have it both ways".

If you ever taught school, have been a parent, or even just been around kids, you'll love these. The following were answers provided by 6th graders (11-12-year-olds) during a history test. Watch the spelling!

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

 3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't  have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

 5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death,  his career suffered a dramatic decline.

 6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races,jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw  the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The  Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

 8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

 10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a  historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

 11. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

12. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.

 He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much  money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

13. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He  wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote  Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

 14. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of  the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannotstand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

 15. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's  mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his  own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the  slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by  one of the   actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's  career.

 16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.   Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was  calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

 18. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing  by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring  up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of  a  hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered  the  radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
 

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

  Better To Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.
  Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
  It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
  Never Under Estimate the Power Of... Termites.
  You Can Lead A Horse To Water But... How?
  Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
  No News Is... Impossible.
  A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
  You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
  If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
  Love All, Trust... Me
  The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
  An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
  Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.
  Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
  A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.
  Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.
  Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
  Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose.
  None Are So Blind As... Helen Keller.
  Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
  If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
  You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
  When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
  There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie.

A teacher gave her fourth-grade students the beginning of a  list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for  each one. Here are some examples of what they submitted:

 The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.
 A rolling stone plays the guitar.
 The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.
 A bird in the hand is a real mess.
 No news is no newspaper.
 It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.
 It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.
 You have nothing to fear but homework.
 If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.
 If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.
 Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.
 A penny saved is nothing in the real world.
 The squeaking wheel gets annoying.
 We have nothing to fear but our principal.
 To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not.
 I think, therefore I get a headache.
 Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.
 It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.
 Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.
 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.
 There is nothing new under the bed.
 The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.
 Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long.
 Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!"

science-test answers...

"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
 

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife.  I don't want to be all grossed out.
Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8

"And the #1 Favorite is........"

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10

These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services....
 

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha  Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again", giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble  sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the  deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm.-prayer and medication to follow.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving milk, please come early?

Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the Minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jackson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpeting. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an Ice Cream Social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.

Wednesday, the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed,” accompanied by the pastor.

The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the men will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.",
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
.."Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
.."Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
.."Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

 As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being  female. (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to  starboard, Captain!")

 Recently, a group of computer scientists (all male) announced  that computers should also be referred to as being female.  Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follows:

 Five reasons to believe computers are female:

 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
Ø 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
 3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as  informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then  I'm certainly not going to tell you."
 4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
 5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself  spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 However, another group of computer scientists (all female) thinks that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:

 1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
 2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
 3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
 5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

 At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the  computer industry with the auto industry and stated " If GM had kept  up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving  twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000mi/gal."

 General Motors recently addressed this comment by releasing the  statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?", and offered  the following comparisons:

 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have  to buy a new car.
 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason,  and you would just accept this, restart the car and drive on.
 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop  and fail and you would have to reinstall the whole engine. For some  strange reason, you would accept this too.
 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you  bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy and  install more seats.
 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was  perfectly reliable, ran five times faster, and was twice as easy to  drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades  to their cars that would make their cars run much slower, and begin to  crash.
 7. The red "oil", "gas" and "alternator" warning lights would be  replaced by a single blue "general protection fault" warning light.
 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butts.
 9. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before going off.
 10.If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what caused   it, or what you can do to prevent subsequent crashes from occurring in the future.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what
 I've made."

 Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

 "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries."This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

 "Ah," said God."That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

 Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God. You said there will be BALANCE!"

 God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."

 Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
 Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
 Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
 Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
 Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
 Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
 Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
 Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
 British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
 Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
 Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
 Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
 Miners Refuse to Work after Death
 Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
 Stolen Painting Found by Tree
 Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
 Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
 War Dims Hope for Peace
 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
 Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
 Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
 Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
 Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
 New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
 Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
 Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
 Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
 Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
 New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
 Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctor

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* All generalizations are false.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
 * I brake for no apparent reason.
* Forget about World Peace.. Visualize using your turn signal.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* We have enough Youth; how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
* No radios - Already stolen.
* Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* How can I miss you if you won't go away?
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else..
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Very funny, Scotty; now beam down my clothes.
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* I souport publik edekashun.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
* I work for the Federal Department of Redundancy Department

A retiring Phys Chem. professor was setting his last exam, for a graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored with it all, and with a well kept and wry sense of humor, he set a single question on the sheet :

Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with a proof."

He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a reasonable and consistent reply to his query. One A was awarded.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. The top  student however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. There are two possible conditions.

One, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase exponentially until all hell breaks loose.

Conversely, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the  temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over, condition two.

We can solve this with the 1990 postulation of Theresa LeClair, the girl who lived across the hall from me in first year residence. Since I have still not been successful in obtaining sexual relations with her, condition two above has not been met, and thus it can be concluded that condition one is
true, and hell is exothermic.

TENDJEWBERRYMUD

Its amazing, you will understand the above word by the end of the conversation......

Read aloud for best results.

Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this.

This has been nominated for best email of 1999.
 

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review....

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud."
G : "You're welcome."

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. (The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.)

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon:  It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole!

  Two peanuts walk into a bar
    One was a salted.
   ---------------------------------------------------------------------
   A sandwich walks into a bar.
   The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
   ---------------------------------------------------------------------
   A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
   ---------------------------------------------------------------------
  A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
   "A beer please, and one for the road."
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------
  Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
   The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
   --------------------------------------------------------------------
  Two cannibals are eating a clown.
  One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
  --------------------------------------------------------------------
  Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
   Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
   "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
  "It's true, no bull!"
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------
  A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
   The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------
  A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
     "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
  So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
  Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
   "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
   "No, because he's really heavy"
   -----------------------------------------------------
   Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
      ---------------------------------------------------------------------
   What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    A fsh
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
   Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
     One turns to the other and says "dam"

 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
 4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
 5. Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
 6. "Did he kill you?"
 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
 9. "How may times have you committed suicide?"

 10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
 A: "Yes."
 Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

 11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
 Q: "How many were boys?"
 A: "None."
 Q: "Were there any girls?"

 12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
 A: "Yes."
 Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
 A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
 Q: "And you took your new wife?"

 14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
 A: "By death."
 Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

 15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
 A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
 Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

 16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
 A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

 17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
 A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

 18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
 A: "Oral."

 19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
 A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
 Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
 A: "No, you dummy, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

 20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
 A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

 21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
 A: "I have been since early childhood."

A man buys a horse from an old man.

The old man says, "The only catch is that this horse loves sitting on watermelons.  If he sees a watermelon, he is going to sit on it."  The man says OK.  As he's riding his horse, he comes along a stream.

The horse stops in midstream and sits down.  The man beats the horse, but the horse refuses to budge.  The man pushes and shoves the horse, but the horse refuses to move.

Finally the man drags the horse out of the river and brings him back to the old man.

"I don't understand," the man says. "He sat down in the middle of the river and refused to budge.   You told me he likes to sit on watermelons, so I don't understand why he was sitting in the middle of the river."

"I forgot to tell you," the old man replied, "he also likes to sit on fish."

That's not right: Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?: Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP: Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man: Dum Gai

Small Horse: Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?: Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table: Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift: Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here: Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet: Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone: No Pah King

You are not very bright: Yu So Dum

I got this for free: Ai No Pei

Please stay a while longer: Wai Go Nao?

Stay out of sight: Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile: Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive: Yu Stin Ki Pu

TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham has been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the middle of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope.

Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and pulled his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived the fall into the frigid waters of the Tacoma Narrows and Puget Sound and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.

"All I can say," said Bingham. "Is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's severed foot was never located.
 

RENTON, WA - On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:

1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places;
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door;
4. #001#An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

MOSCOW, Russia - A drunk security man asked a colleague at a Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound.

FRANCE - Jacques LeFevier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink; dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left . . .Then to the right . . . right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was still a head."
 

SORRY!!!!!!!!

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